Summer School (1987)

My name is Carl Reiner. And my name is Mark Harmon. And he's lying. Here we go, right? By the way, you're hearing some excellent music. This is a guy named Danny Elfman from Oingo Boingo who gave you that theme. I remember when you called, Carl, and told me about this great talent that you found to do the music for this. Were you ever right? I didn't find him. Somebody recommended him. I went to his house, and he played this, and I said, you're good. Should we be talking about those girls we just saw? I don't know, but I love the way you start the movie. You start it right off with a couple of girls in bikinis coming down the beach. Let them know what it's about right away. Now, here's some. Tell them about this girl. Courtney Thorne-Smith, the one on the right. She's had quite a career. I know. This was the start. But you knew then, we knew then that she had something special. Well, I remember that Pat Labberto had quite a crush on her. Is that right? I did, and it took him probably about six weeks out of the 14 weeks we shot to ask her out. Yeah, it was not a pretty sight. Okay, now here are the two guys who sort of are the motor of this movie. Yeah, Dean Cameron played Chainsaw. I remember when you read people for this movie, you read every male actor for the role of Chainsaw. Yeah, you were there. I was. And I don't remember because I'm 84. No, but you did. And then you cast everybody in the appropriate roles you felt they were right for. But you read everyone for Chainsaw. Now, this young lady really was a surprise. No, she's great. Kelly. Yes. Kelly Jo. Yeah, Kelly Jo. I almost felt that she came with the part in her. Oh, this guy is so good. This guy I've loved all my life. Now, there's a lovely little touch here. This guy is sleepy, and the audience doesn't know why he's sleepy for the whole movie. And it's a very good reason. Now, is it clear to everybody? Oh, there. This is... What was your dog's name? Well, on the movie, it was Wondermutt, but I remember... Originally, the script had us chasing a Cabbage Patch doll. And then the Cabbage Patch people thought this was a dumb idea, and so they took the Cabbage Patch away. But in the meantime, they had trained this dog to chase a Cabbage Patch. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, and so we decided to call the little figure he's chasing Bob. So Bob became what this movie was about, and that's what Wondermutt chased. Thank you, Principal Kelban.

Robin Thomas, Robin Thomas, who this is the first time I ever saw him. And now you see him all Shawnee. Yeah, Shawnee is. Ted Danson is here. Had a good run on a good show with the district's new policies on minimum academic proficiencies. You will all have the opportunity to retake the Dean Cameron on the left and Gary Riley on the right were two people who you really thought were going to break out of this movie. Yes. As a team. Yeah, absolutely. Somebody should have looked at those two and done another movie with them. Your parents have all been notified that you'll be retested after completing... Now, that's a funny thing that somebody came up who wasn't me horsing around, somebody putting a wet finger in a guy's ear. I didn't invent that, but that was a good touch. Richard's a nice actor, and he played the heck out of that part. He's not like that at all. I know.

You're good, Carl. Yes. Yeah, I used to be an actor. Still are. That guy's in Oceans 12 and Oceans 13. Now, Jeff Franklin wrote a really wonderful screenplay. When a director gets a screenplay that good, it's so easy to make a picture funny. You just stay with the script, and then whatever additions the actors bring is gold. Well, I thought you made it better than the script was, Carl. I really did. Well, I think you're supposed to if you're directing. If you make it worse, you shouldn't be there. I can name a lot of them who do. I love the little kick you do on the way out the door. Mr. Murphy, this is a wonderful actor. I used him a few movies because he was so, he delivered. I love this scene because we see a man so anxious to be happy and get away with this beautiful blonde and his whole life is going to crumble. Well, I remember the task you gave me here, which is too many suitcases to fit in the trunk. And so as much as I tried to get them all in, they don't fit anyway, even if I could fit them in. You just double-complicated my problem there as an actor, which is a great thing to do. Yeah, one of them he couldn't even get in. Here's a cute touch. Hiding from authority. But having a dog that loves you is no help. Mr. Shoop. Oh, Mr. Shoop. Congratulations. You've been chosen to teach summer school. Ah, shoot. If only I'd known sooner. We're going to Hawaii. May I remind you, Mr. Shoop? There's a good moment coming up. You want a job next year? Oh, come on, Mr. Gills. Look, we got lays on and everything. You'll be teaching remedial English. Remedial English? Look, I ain't no English teacher. Yeah, that's the line I like. I ain't no English teacher. I really believed you. I'm like very challenged. No, I'm not a real teacher. That's all right. These aren't real students. They're unmotivated, irresponsible, not too bright. They'll relate to you. I appreciate that. No, no, look, the only reason I got into this whole teaching gig in the first place is to get my summers off. No, I'm afraid my answer has to be no. No, thank you? That's good. See, that made me laugh when I heard it. You know, Carl, over the years, what I've found out is a lot of people wanted a teacher like Freddie Shoup. Yeah, I know. I know. You know, this is as good a rendition of a character. Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz? Even when he's down, he's not down very long. No. Yeah, me too. And my favorite part is when Dorothy, she clicks her heels together three times and she says, there's no place like home. There is no place like home. You know, I was very aware when you were doing things like this and being this guy. I said, this is a guy who was a quarterback on the football team, for real. You were one of my... You see, to actors, a man who can get on a football field and play seriously like you did is something we admire. So I'm looking at this guy and I don't see... Well, that's a good thing. What a compliment. No, I'm not kidding. No, that's great. I take it as a huge compliment. Files on your students. Here's the first time we used a chapstick. Yeah, I know. There was a great... And it comes in at the end. Yeah, yeah. That was your little thing. You found the chapstick that you used. I don't think it was in the script. There's Kirstie. So are you. Oh, you meant... That's a nice introduction right there. I'm so embarrassed. But you are cute. I'm all right. I'm Robin Bishop. I teach American history next door. Hi. Freddie Shoup, remedial English, right here. Everybody just calls me Shoup. Okay, Shoup. Why am I here? Oh, thumbtacks. What a talent, though, huh, Carl? I remember when she came in to read and how torn away you were with her. She was terrific. You know, the same reaction I had to her is the reaction that when she first came out from the Midwest, Kansas, and the first audition was for Sweet Bird of Youth, I don't know. What was the play? Yeah, she had done that at the Taper. Yeah, Sweet Bird of Youth. Maggie the Cat. She hadn't done anything big before and back home. She came and auditioned and got the job. Yeah. I mean, that's an extraordinary talent. I saw her in that. She was wonderful. For someone to reach on down through the sleaze and the slime, pick him up and hose him off. I mean, who knows? If we fail with even one shot, we might be losing the next Ted Koppel. We're the unsung heroes. We're doing God's work, and I notice you're not wearing a wedding ring. Yeah, my mother noticed that, too. So you're single? In love, involved? What's the story here? The story is that I've been seeing someone, but we just started dating, so you do what you think's right. Okay. Now, you were married then, right? Yeah, I was married. And I was thinking, if you weren't married, you two made a lovely couple. I know, but Kirstie was married, too, at the time. I know, I know. Right. am i well i might be asking yeah you like chinese i hate it yeah people always think of that when they watch your pictures they do these two get it on because dick van dyke and mary tyler moore everybody thought they had they really did love each other they they admitted later on that neither one would marry they would have made a team of it Well, you know what's nice about it is it happens rarely, but you meet someone that you play opposite and you like them as a person, really honestly like them. And if you're lucky, you get that on camera, which I think we did here. You sure got it with her. That's why everybody asked me. There's Pat Labberto. You're good at names, boy. I know Pat, and I've worked with him before and since, so he's one of the ones I do run into. Dean Cameron did a wonderful job in this. Yes, you tell me now he does a lot of voiceovers. He does a lot of voiceovers. And he lost that beautiful black hair. He's a little thinner on top these days. Larry, how's my ass? Where's Larry? He's nocturnal. Oh, okay. This is really the introduction of all the characters. I know, and very well done by Jeff Franklin, the writer. because each introduction is funny and informative at the same time. You see that black man sitting there? That's one of the great little jokes in the thing. All the way through. Yes. Yep. You see him here, and you don't see him until the end of the picture. Ma'am? Oh, is she cute. Never mind. Jerome Watkins. The computer said I failed that test. The computer made an error. I recommend this time I pass. You're going to do well, Jerome. You're so good in this. You should be. You are doing some comedy in your series, which is good. What are you doing here? You know, Carl, I just felt the entire time on this that you just walked underneath me with a net. I really did. I mean, that's kind of the way I went about deciding to do this in the first place and you wanting me, which meant more to me than anything. Well, I was using you. Well, okay, that's fine. I wish you were using me again because this was an awfully fun experience. No, I was absolutely thrilled. This shoot, there was... You know, sometimes you have stories of... Wow, this went so wrong, so wrong. Nothing went wrong on this whole shoot. These kids were so nice and so cooperative. You were terrific with them. I remember that each and every day they all had different ideas. They'd come to you every morning and they'd say, how about this, how about that? And you'd listen. You were so patient with every one of them. The whole trick of being a good director is casting correctly. And by casting correctly... Cast people who give you more than is in the script. They have something in them that you want to get into the movie that you don't know what's in there yet. Yeah, that's what I said. You would let the scene sometimes roll beyond what was on the page, and so much of that is in this movie. Yeah, real actors have things churning in them, and you don't squelch them. You know, the idea of getting a good actor, Kazan, when he started the movie, he used to say, get me Brando. You get the actor and the actor is going to do half the work for you. I remember you let them go in this scene. These kids were so creative. Of course, they were of an age to know better what these kids would say than I would. That's exactly right, but you caught it. When we were shooting, I remember. I think you're full of bull. It's okay, you can say bullshit in here. And this was all Kirstie on the exit. I remember that too. Yeah. These next two ones she does. And this is sort of X-rated, this. That's Kirstie. Yeah, that's Kirstie. I want my car keys. I'm using the lavatory. Hey. It's worse than a gas stove. Yeah, I think I have to go too, Mr. Shue. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute. My keys. Atta boy, Mr. Shue. Hey! Hey! Okay. I'm calling a roll, and then I'm gonna... Where's my roll sheet? It's somewhere in this room. There's a good look. There's a good look.

I love it. I love that. It's funny how a line like that captures the whole character. You know, I remember, Carl, that you spent a lot of time rehearsing. You gave us an opportunity to take the set and rehearse. Well, there's no... Funny how that makes sense, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. I think in life. It was really a little bit like doing a play. Yeah, well, you can only get better by trying to discover what's in each scene. Good luck, honey. Okay, start her up. Take a right, please. See, every part in this movie, Carl, you cast wonderfully. I mean, this guy was terrific as the driving instructor. These photos suck. Weddings, graduations. These two were... Irrepressible gentlemen who keep looking at other people's... Private pictures? Private pictures, yeah. They found some nude ones, and they're just so happy. Round English muffin, square butter, triangular bush. The man is an artist. Great friends. Hi, I'd like to sign up for Lamaze classes. Okay, how are Tuesday nights for you and your coach? Perfect, but I don't have a coach. That girl playing the nurse... was my secretary at the time. And she did a nice job. Yes, and she's a singer, and she's, matter of fact, filling in this week. Plus my other secretary's gone, so you can't, I just saw her today. Okay, how far did we get yesterday? Now there, see, that's impressive. No, I'm not kidding. Acting and juggling. Now that you picked up yourself. That was your own little... Eh, you bring a few things. Mr. Shupa, I got a plug. What? You just got here. Yeah. It's a female thing. Oh, yeah. All right, stand. Oh, man, she's going surfing. I remember this look. I'm sure. Now, that line, you see, I couldn't, I didn't understand. I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure it was the... Contemporary. The melody of the day. It worked, yeah. You think being on your period is no picnic in the park? Are you crazy? For one, you get all PMS'd out, there's no room in your purse for no hairbrush. Robin put a lot of thought into his wardrobe for this. I recall him being specific on the jackets and stuff. He did? Yeah. Completely works. The hair, everything. This is our new foreign exchange student, Anna Maria Mazzarelli. Anna Maria is from Milan, Italy. She's about to brush up on her English skills before the fall semester begins. Well, I guess... It was a piece of good writing bringing a foreign exchange student who looked like that into the mix. I recall that day of casting with Jeff Franklin. Yeah, our writer, Jeff Franklin, is a very sophisticated man.

Grammar, writing paragraphs. God, I hate this stuff. Book reports. Anybody want to get out of here? Go to the library? Yeah, let's go. Everybody wanted a teacher like Shoop. Every kid would love to have a teacher like that. Ciao. Well, we love Italy, yeah. People have asked Carl about these shirts that Shoup wore in this movie and they were the old style Hawaiian shirts and the wardrobe mistress went out and found them from collectors everywhere in big sizes. But I remember thinking that Shoup would have worn them. the whole time. He never would have taken them off. They're valuable now, but he wore them when they weren't valuable. I didn't know that about that. You're the one who pointed it out, and it worked. And somebody mentioned, one of the gentlemen working here today, that the first shirt you wore on the first scene is the same shirt that Montgomery Clift wore in... Well, I didn't know that, but... Your sweat commingled. I don't think it was the same shirt, but maybe the same design. Dave, I agree with you. I'll go a step further. Sure, Leatherface. He wore a mask made out of human skin and he hung people... This was a real story point that Jeff had in this movie, which was the whole Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yes. Toby Hooper and the... Toby Hooper. Hooper, as Dean would say. I'm Chainsaw. I'm Dave. We'll see you at the movies. Now, see, that was right out of, you know, the two guys... Roger Ebert. Roger Ebert, yeah. But still, it's contemporary today. It works. I know. He's still there. One of them is through. Jelly, I'm touched. This one was in the parking lot with a surfboard. Now, I remember, Courtney, you didn't want to be there in that wetsuit that day. Yes, I know. And every male said, you look fine. I grew up surfing those same waves. Today was phenomenal. Three to four, breaking out of the south, glassy, light offshore breeze. You had to go for the ditch. Now, I love the fact that Shoup was... talking with food in his mouth, and you could see the food. That is indicative of who he is. Classy guy. You're supposed to eat, you gotta eat. Yeah, wait till you see how classy he is with his dog later. For summer vacation, the human brain needs rest. Yeah. What are we doing here? Really? Hey, look, this wasn't my idea. I know you guys aren't exactly fired up about English, and I wouldn't know what to do if you were, but we're stuck here. We're trapped like rats. For people who didn't see the movie, what would you guess is making that guy sleepy? You're going to find out. You know, these kids, they weren't kids when they did the movie. They were all in their mid-20s and stuff, and they all worked so well together. They were there every day, this entire group, every day was on the set. The only one that didn't look like he belonged in high school was the man who went to the toilet.

We had days like this on this film, Carl, where our work for the day was to go to a go-kart track and do this all day. Or to go to a fun park and ride the rides all day. This infuses itself into the movie because Every day was like we were doing this. I think the cast was happy to see each other every day. I don't think there was anybody who ever complained about anybody else's behavior. People hate to hear that. They'd rather hear, you know, scuttlebutt. He scuttled my butt on that.

And what did you eat? That was an ad. Yes. That was an ad.

This was another day at a little feeding park somewhere. Yeah. And he's still sleeping, our hero. That's a plot point, that guy sneezing, because his grandmother notices his allergies acted up and find out they didn't study that day. They went to a petting zoo. Oh, I remember this one. You putting stuff on your shirt to get this goat to do that. I don't know how you got it. Yeah, and then he was in love with me. Like, even, like, this is where the scene starts here, and I push him off, and then he keeps coming after me. I know, there he is. And then he keeps coming, like, three or four times. Did you have something on your shirt? Did they feed the animal something? Yeah, that was an ad-lib. He wasn't supposed to come over that goat. I'll let you. This is wonderfully gross. Killer rabbits. These four rabbits, Carl, the one they're using as props right there, I took a couple of them home and put them in a plastic bag and put them in my icebox. And I just left them there. And then I heard a scream from Pam and she said, what is this? And I said, they're rabbits. And she said, well, what are we supposed to do? I said, I don't know, cook them? You are Mr. Shoop. Kind of become the character after a while. See, that's something I didn't know that you took... See that? We have those kind of people. I remember when she came in to read for this part, Carl, that the guys in the room and the guys on both sides of her who had come in were so impressed by her, and you knew then that you had the right woman to play this role. Next field trip, it's got to be at the beach. Got to see Anna Marie in a bikini. It's very important. Very important. That's a line that made me laugh. It's very important we see her in a bikini. Oh, it's important for all teenagers. I love the way you cut this with their reactions to what they're doing. It's another good song by Danny Elfman.

That was cruel. That's a funny line. That was a cruel thing to stop somebody from getting undressed. Now, this is always something that amazed me. This dog would find and bring that back no matter where you threw it. I remember when we picked the dog, Carl. I remember one day being at the studio, and you had a number of dogs out there with their trainers. And then at the end of the row was Wondermutt. And he really looked like a dog. He looked like a bunch of different dogs. And maybe partially because I had a dog that looked similar to him in one way or another, but... I did too. He was a perfect dog for this. Sneezing, wheezing, and itching, with goat hairs on his clothes. He said he was at the museum, but I found this in his pocket. Grandma. Is going on throw-up rides and rubbing barnyard animals your idea of quality education? Grandma. Certainly not. We'll talk to Mr. Shoup about this right now. I may have used poor judgment. You actually used judgment. My God, do you realize that if anything had happened to these kids, the lawsuits, you could have bankrupt the entire district. And messed up your chances of being elected to the state assembly. Yes! Now watch your pants. And you did it, too. One shot. I remember that. See, that's having a quarterback in the part. You and I. Remember, I had a convertible at the time, and that's how I comb my hair for this every day, just let the top down. Until Kelban returns and officially fires you. What? Hey, this is your fault. You knew I couldn't teach. Goodbye, Mr. Shoop. Gills, what if I become a model teacher? See, he can hardly say it. I know. The most insincere part. Okay. You get every kid left in your class to pass that skills test, and I'll forget about your field trips. Done. Now, because you guys acted that right, we accepted the fact he'd let you up on that. You made him laugh, and he did really laugh. You don't deserve tenure, do you? This whole cast liked each other. I mean, Robin, everybody, I mean, you play opposite each other, but you like each other and it makes a difference in the work. Now we know he's a teacher because he's got a tie on. Yeah, I remember tying the tie purposely short because he hasn't tied a tie ever, maybe. No, it must be laundry day. Nothing else was clean, right? Are you going to the funeral? Can we come? Please take your seats. Where should we take him? Sit down, Francis.

From this moment forth, you people eat English, sleep English, you are English. Oh, then pass the crumpets, old boy. I'm not kidding around. Anyone not interested in passing that exam can leave right now. The guy has been pretty cool. They called me Francis. Hasta luego, Lázaro Domingo. Chainsaw. Dave, wait a minute. Look. Gills is having a cow about her field trips. Unless you guys all pass that test, my job is Memorex. Anybody got any ideas here? Get yourself some water heads. I don't care what your files say. You guys are not that dumb. Actually, Mr. Shoup, those files are usually right on the money. You all feel that way? I do. They're all proud of being dumb. Mr. Shoup, look, we don't want you to lose your job. But think about what you're asking. I think in many ways, Carl, this movie worked for a lot of reasons, but it's a vein of all of us, which is a part of all of us that doesn't measure up or is regular or is normal or tries to do what is hard for us to do, you know. You know, and this is interesting. The author came up with something that would make it possible for these kids to stay because they were ready to go. And the fact they were trading bribe, trading money, favors from you yeah but you're the difference carl because you never you never allowed this movie to get stupid this movie could have been stupid yes and it wasn't and your involvement is what made it a movie that you can't dismiss easily i'm sure glad i came today i'm getting such nice compliments i need him well listen that's the reason i was there all right one a party your house fourth of july weekend in anna maria's honor number two You arrange a screening in class of the greatest movie ever made, the 1973 Tobe Hubert classic, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Tobe Hubert. As I recall, that was Dean's turn on that name. Yes, it was. Is there anything that you desire? Oh, I don't deserve a wish. The Chainsaw Massacre being the greatest movie of all time. We'll take hers. Chauffeur service for Dave and I every day to and from work. Pam, what's your wish? I'll tell Mr. Shoup when the time is right. Oh. Larry? Now, this is the opposite of Mary Letourneau. She wants to seduce. That's Ken Oland, who played the sleeper here. Ken's a popular producer now. He does well. Yeah, I keep seeing his name. That's him. I didn't realize that was the same Ken Oland. Fair and reasonable requests. In return, we'll show up, we'll pay attention, and we'll even do a little homework. Is this contract acceptable to labor? No doubt. Does management agree? You sure I'm management? For our purposes here, yes. Do we have a binding agreement? We got something. All right, well, we put that baby to bed. I forget, was that his real voice? No, no. He found that voice, yes. Well, go ahead, teach. Right. Teach. Don't anybody move. I love the fact that he thinks he's going to ask someone how to teach. You do a thing here, Carl, that's a small thing, but... This class is obviously an honors class and organized as compared to what we've got next door. But I remember you had them, when she leaves, they're still talking. Listen. Continue. The 1970 Seabed Treaty. Even without her there, they continue on. Yes, it was such a good class. What did you do? Pass out volumes? Uh-uh. This is a natural law. Interesting phenomenon. What do you want from me? How do you teach? That's the one. How do you teach? Meet me after school. We'll make plans for the weekend. For the weekend? Big guy. The easiest thing for you to do is just base your lesson plans on the students' own experiences. I love this scene because of its... Minimalistic quality. Just enough words. I like this scene too. Great shot. Okay, now this scene. You remember a dance routine we did that didn't get into the movie? Oh, no, I forgot. Okay. I've always thought about this because there was a dance routine that we worked on for a while and then didn't make it in the movie. But it was important to this scene because, and you can see I'm all sweat down here, but aside from that, it really pumped me into a different energy level for this scene. Oh, I forgot about that. And you danced your heart out. I did, but I never thought it was very good. But I'm glad you didn't use it, as it turns out. But this scene certainly worked. Oh, boy. Okay. Now, anyone interested in learning the correct form, please turn to page 46 in your textbook. Shit works.

Maybe I'm not cut out to be a linebacker. Look, you're looking at my shoulders. Don't. Focus on my waist. This is all you because you knew about how to do it. That was true, wasn't it? Well, yeah, theoretically, yeah. Remember, I'm your teacher. You want to learn how to surf? See, that was a note, too, that you were going to bookend those two scenes so the idea of playing the stiff neck there made sense. Yes. That was a note of yours, I recall. Smart. I remember when you picked this car. You really? Yeah, I did. I love the fact that you really are doing the things they asked you to do. That's right, sure. Teaching it to drive. And you had to drive them, too, doing two at once. That's right. Get your grizzly butts in the car. Man, let me drive. I'm going for my license next week. Chainsaw, you've been drinking. No, it's cough medicine. Check out this phlegm. Save the phlegm. You're not driving anywhere. I'll tell you something, and this is fact. You know why so many drunk drivers get in wrecks? because they don't learn to drive drunk. That's a great line. That's a good sequence. Yeah, it all works. Okay, Denise, start her up. Signal left. I love how you stayed in this foreshot for as long as you do here. Can I call my folks and say I won't be home? Ever. I'm not used to this car.

I think it's safe. Move it out. Nice and smooth. All your best. Oh, good. All the hair flying. Why'd you do that? Car was coming. I love that. She stopped because her car was... Come on, Denise. You won't bother us. I still have that hula girl, Carl. Who does? I do. You're kidding. On the dashboard of my old truck. Oh. After this movie comes out again now in this form, that thing is going to be worth dollars. I'm sober now. That's good for today. We live. Oh, this was a long night, as I recall. Yes. Shooting nights is no fun. This was down in Venice Beach. You do not know what's in these babies.

We didn't have any really sets built on this show. This was all practical location. Yeah, this was great. Hey, that's right. There was not one set built. I don't think so. I always wondered how they managed to get it just as it exploded. The cinematography is great on this. I know. Walsh, he did a wonderful job. Yeah, he did. Maybe. Now you see, now we find out why this man has been sleeping. This is a very sweet little scene. Bizarre? Yeah, that's what I thought. My body is out of control. And it's big and ugly. I think you look great. Sure, in the dark. We never found out who the father was, did we? No, and it didn't matter. You just put good actors in a role and it works. But the fact that he was interested in her, even though she was pregnant. You'll be a mother. Yeah. This party's getting weak. Do something wild. Take all your clothes off. Why, you want everyone to go home? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You're almost done tonight. Almost. Oh, this scene, Carl. People talk about this scene. I know, I know. What restraint you had. It's all sewn. Hey, thanks. It's great. I almost think that what made it work is not playing any of that. Yeah. I feel so at home here. Yeah, me too. I liked your staging, too. I liked the fact that you never moved me from where I was. In the dead of night, under a full moon, thousands of horny little fish swim hundreds of miles to bawl their brains out in the sand. So romantic. You ever do that with one of your students? No. I swim hundreds of miles. I'm ready for a nap. Yeah, very important line. Let her know where she stands. It's Kim. She's sort of my girlfriend. Sort of. Well, she's in Hawaii. So you're all alone, and you like young girls. Kim's not that young. She's 21. I'm 16. And you should consider that. Because there's, like, no difference between 21 and 16 now. But when she's 66, I'll only be 61. That is such great logic for a 60-year-old. Yeah. Oh, look at this. Oh, yeah, I know. It's time to get up.

Come on, Pam. Time for more fun. Wonderman! There's something coming up that Now, this is lovely. This is... Now, the fact that this dog fetches through the whole movie, and the last shot in this movie, we'll talk about when we see it, but it's like a... Brings it all together. Continuity. Continuity.

to tell the people that the goldfish that were in that tank, we bought dead. That was a dead goldfish. I remember there was talk about that, that dead goldfish just happened to show up like that. We told people, don't throw your dead goldfish away. We're going to use them. So we called every store in the area and said, save your dead goldfish.

Miners drinking on the beach. Seriously, we never do this. Boy, never, ever. There's our English teacher. Let's ask him. Mr. Soup, sir, could you come here just a moment, please? Hey, guys. Hi. What's up? Found these boys in possession of alcohol. That alcohol, officer? Oh, that's not theirs. Whose is it? It's mine. What a good guy. I tell you what, I know Ray-Ban sold a lot of those red glasses. We should have never taken those little baby sips. That was wrong. God, so very, very wrong. I think they learned one hell of a lesson, officer. Next time you boys encounter an alcoholic beverage, I hope you remember you're underage. Yes, sir. We will. Of course. Thank you. Well, we're off to do our homework. Yeah. All right. Thank you. Bye. They are really the best con artists, these two guys. I should have just said no. You guys are good men. Thank you. Thank you. You're under arrest for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. What? Officer, that's not really my vodka. Is that your dog? Yeah. No dog on the beach. $50 fine. He's not really my dog. I really appreciate how really talented that dog was. He did everything he was asked to do. He was terrific. Even that. Look at that. I heard after this movie, Carl, that for 10 or 11 years, he was the number one trained dog at the Universal show. No kidding. Yeah, he had quite a good run. I also heard that the trainer picked him up the day before for his little interview for us. So I think the only thing he knew how to do at the moment was sit. Who wants gum? The fact that you had gum for those two guys made me, tickled me for some reason. It's your pal's shoe. I can't leave my number because I'm downtown in jail. Jail? What, you're surprised? I got arrested in my swim trunk, so I need 50 bucks and a pair of shoes. It's a long story. Listen, Robin, please don't mention this to that bite-in-the-ass Gills. Hey, you're an angel. Dinner, dancing, pair of shoes, you name it. Hello, Mr. Shrew. Who is this? It's the bite-in-the-ass. When I say bite-in-the-ass, I mean that in the nicest possible way. Can I talk to Robin, please? I'm afraid Robin and I are on our way out of town. But don't worry, we'll be right over. He's still a human being, Philip. Robin, we have a very long drive ahead of us. If we go downtown now, we'll be stuck in all that traffic, and that's okay with me, because then we'll be helping our good friend Mr. Shoop, and you won't think I'm a shit. Right? Am I in really big trouble? I love the fact you never took your skates off, because those are your shoes. That's right. I made a new friend. A little backstory. And it is ugly. You know, Mr. Shoup's been making a lot of progress in his class, Philip. It's true. I've been handing out assignments and the kids turn them in and everything. It's almost like school in there. I've heard. And I'm proud. Confirms all my instincts about him. He's my boy. Robin, let's get out of here. We're on our way to wine country. Your kids, uh... Have fun. Perfect. Just enough indication that you wish that you were him. Here's your scene, Carl. Here's my scene. You came up with the way to play this scene that I never would guess. Well, you know, I figure anybody who was a dog owner would get it. Yes. Well, I was a dog owner. I had a dog like that. And I did give him peanut butter because they keep doing that funny thing with their mouth forever. That tongue keeps coming out. But this I never did. In other words, anybody who loves his dog, is willing to swap spit with his dog, is a dog lover. Intellect. Now here's why this guy was sleeping. This is what he does at night. I recall how hard Ken worked on the dancing part of this. Oh, yes. He was great, too. And now you say he's a big producer. He is. I keep seeing that name. I didn't realize it's the same. Just before they shot this scene, I remember Ken coming into the trailer in makeup and asking someone to shave his rear end. And I remember being embarrassed the whole time we shot this. You and me both. I didn't want to be here.

You notice I try to stay as much close up as I can. I didn't try to keep the writhing at a minimum. There he is. But it is funny. Mr. Hsu, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? You do this every night? Well, we have Mondays off. Listen, man, you can't tell anybody, OK? I think I'm 21. You were fabulous. This is from both of us. I'm in the wrong business. Yeah, but about school, Larry. I mean, I think if you could sneak in a couple hours sleep, you could catch up with the rest of the class. It's just you, man. Think about what you're saying. I mean, if you could be 17 again, only you know then what you know now. Yeah. Well, I know. I hate that kid. Who we admire most in the world and why. The person we admire most in the world is makeup artist and creature creator Rick Baker. His wonderfully gruesome slime bladders and slobber tubes in American Werewolf in London won him a richly deserved Oscar. That is why we admire... I was so impressed with these two and the way they worked together in the show and both of them individually and then together. They took it to the woodshed themselves and worked it out. This has made me laugh a lot. You have to have a hundred words. It is not easy to pick the person I admire most. I admire people for different reasons. The way they serve, or teach English from the heart, or help the homeless. To pick one person is so unfair to everyone else. Isn't there enough pain in the world? Since there's no one I admire most, this is about a person I admire least. My ex-boyfriend Andre. If he ever tells you he broke up with me first, he's a lying dog, because I definitely told him to get out of my face first. You know how I can tell when he's lying? His lips move. I'm serious. He's so in love with himself, he ought to be dating a mirror. This was the reveal that she had dyslexia and is really wonderfully shot. Denise, can I have your paper? Uh, no. She did this so well. No. Well, I had to memorize my essay. due to the fact that I was mugged by a gang looking for money and homework. A gang looking for money and homework. Mark your calendars. Field trip next Monday. Where are we going? Cockfights? Courthouse. Your teacher was arrested for giving vodka to some kids. You and Dave won't want to miss it. You went to jail for us? On roller skates. Thanks, man. Uh-huh.

I said I'd tell you my wish from the time was right. It's right. Your wish is to move in with me? I'm a great cook. Uh-huh. He's a man of honor. He made her a promise. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know we connect. Pam, look, my place is very small. It's perfect. Look, Tommy, that's my brother, he had another kid in Angela. She's his wife. She wants to move the twins back into Gail's room and then put Sally in the den, which means I lose the couch. Yeah, well, my couch is real barbecued. The floor is fine. Mr. Shoop, everybody else got their wish. Okay, Pam. If I let you stay here, it's only temporary until you find another place, okay? This has nothing to do with anything. But I'm thinking, where did you shop where you can get a roll of paper toweling without covered, empty paper toweling? The twins, Chuck and Bob, and Tommy Jr. This is Mr. Shoup. How you doing? That's one of the Van Patten kids. Yeah, it is, yeah. Now here's your famous Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Look what a brilliant picture this is. Larry, wake up. You're missing this. Larry's not missing a thing. Oh, no! That's not a real person. It's a stuntman. Okay, now this right here isn't going to bother him because he's insane, okay? Yes, nobody's ever bothered when you're insane when you cut your leg off. What are you watching? Do the dance for me, baby. New film from the district. Safe use of power tools. That's a good line. I don't want to know what this is, do I? No, probably not. What did you think of that, Anna Maria? God, it was really American. American, yes. It's an American masterpiece. Talk about gutsy endings. The girl. The girl gets away, and our hero Leatherface, he chainsaws his own legs. Two thumbs up. Make that four for Gore. Listen up, I want to read you something. Dear Mr. Francis Grimp, thank you for informing us of your problem with our cool dude sunglasses. It worked. Please accept this assortment of cool dudes with our compliments. All right, it's Christmas time. Three glasses. Are these free? Let's see if you coordinate your glasses with your... This is the best shirt you have, I think. Sincerely, Wayne Appleton, president, Cool Dude, Inc. All right, power of the pen. Hey, thanks, Jameson. He can't. He can't. Man, you think you can help me with my letter? You know, make it sound official. Sure, Denise. You want to give it to me?

See, now I would go in to the dubbing room, and there's a little mistake there. And that got very silent. There should have been a lot of talking around us. Noise. Yeah, all of a sudden, we goofed. I want to get my hands on this picture and fix it. He didn't goof much, Carl. What about Mr. Shoup? Oh, he won't care. I mean, if he don't mind being my coach. Your outfit every day was white. Yeah, it was. White, white pants, white shirt, white hat, white shoes. It was summer. Yeah, summer. I didn't have to think. We shot this sometime like September, October, as I recall. November, maybe. But I remember when the kids all get made up here. I remember that you shot that on purpose on Halloween so they could take the makeup home. Oh, I don't remember that. Thoughtful. This is such a good script. Remember, they asked us what we want to eat. Yeah, I know. You ate a pie. I was eating a pie, a whole pie. That was your choice, and I thought it was a brilliant choice. Well, it was. A bachelor. Actually, I stole it from a friend of mine who did that every day. No kidding. Yeah. It's perfect. I would never have thought of a pie. Come on, Robin, be honest. Isn't he a bite in the ass? No, he's not a bite in the ass. He happens to be very... And chocolate milk. Cultured. Extraordinarily tidy. Tall, dark, and tidy. That's a magic combination. Not in love with him, are you? None of your business. Sure it is. No, it isn't. I love this. Body knowledge. How am I going to tell you I love him when it's all so new? I knew it. See, Robin, he is not the guy for you. You need an intelligent, sensitive man who can skate. They're hard to find. I'm laughing like I haven't seen it for the first time. Intelligent man who can skate. You are really going to earn your money today. Yeah, Gary didn't know I was going to do that. What the hell? Snapped his suspender there. Hold on a sec. Dad's late. He's so irresponsible. I said, Dad, 3 o'clock sharp. But no, it's just in one ear, out the other. I need your car. You want to use my car? Geez, I'm under adult supervision. Chainsaw, you take your test. And you bring my car right back here to me. You make me proud to be an American. Dave, kiss this man. You, come with me. No, no, you stay there. I'll bring the car to you. Yeah, yeah. You back this up, I'm taking a test, all right? Just move all the way back. What? What'd I do? Don't worry about me. See those cars on the right? Go ahead and park in between. What do you mean? You mean parallel park? Is something wrong? No, nothing. Carl, you recall that when we started this movie, I had a broken shoulder? Oh, yes. Wow, I just remembered that. Well, I'm going to show you something here in a second. Were you in pain? No, no, no, no. But, I mean, they had done surgery and put it back together, and in between takes, I wore a brace, and when you could see the brace, I didn't wear it, and everything was fine. But it... I'll show you here in a minute. It's going to happen, but... Well, I mean, I'm fascinated. Okay. You were such a stoic. You never ever bought... You mentioned it once and never said, watch my shoulder. Well, this was a great opportunity, and I broke it doing another job, and I was in no way you were going to keep me from doing this movie. What was... What was the other job you were doing at the time? Oh, it was actually a commercial. Oh. But it was a whole bunch of commercials, and this was the last one I did for this company. But when it happened, we started this 10 days later. Wow. You lost points for driving too slow. Well, this is where it rebroke, okay? You're kidding. No, but I'll show you where, because originally... Originally, Kelly was supposed to jump out of the car after she passes the tester and then run up and hug me. Yeah. But watch, her seatbelt gets stuck, which was not planned. Yeah. See? Yeah. And now she runs to me. As she's coming at me, I can tell she's not going to stop, and she scissors me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And right there is where it rebroke. And you didn't stop. You didn't say cut. No. It kind of felt the same. You see, the right side is down a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Jesus. Oh, why didn't... Oh, I feel terrible. No, don't. I just thought I'd mention it. It's fine. But you'll never throw a football 65 yards again. I couldn't do that when I had a good shoulder. There's a specialist who'll help you after school. Look, I'm doing all right. Yeah, you are. But you could be doing so much better. All these actors did such a nice job in this movie straight across the board. I think you might call that good direction. Well, no, getting people who were seriously interested in doing correct things. There's a couple of nice moments coming here.

As far as she's concerned, you two are married. There was a huge response to this relationship in this movie, these two. Yes. And it's really something that the movie needed as part of the whole of what it was. Yes. More people talk to me about that scene in the bedroom. I know. Mainly guys. Yeah, yeah. Calling you a fool, right? Yeah. And not a gentleman. Well, I tell him there was a script to follow. Hi. Hi, Pam. Um, Freddie, I really didn't make enough for three. If you're planning on inviting company for dinner, I wish you'd call and let me know. No, he wasn't. Actually, I just stopped by to help him with this lesson. But we can do that in the morning. Oh, morning's much better. I'll make French toast for the three of us. Do you like French toast? I bet she makes great French toast. I actually meant morning at school. Oh, fine. It was nice to meet you, Pam. You too. That was perfect. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. Robin. Ted Danson called me after this movie, Carl. Really? And talked about they were looking for a replacement on a show called Cheers. Oh, yes. And asked about Kirstie. And I said, you know... I don't know what you guys are doing over there or even what you're looking for, but if you hire her, she's great. You know something? Right after you spoke to her, they came and said, can we see some footage on her? And they came to the office and they said you recommended that. Oh, my God. And I said the same thing you did. I said, you shouldn't look any further than this. And they didn't. No. She had a way. She was very ingratiating, but she was so cute. Every time I gave any kind of a direction, I'd get this, K, just without an O in front of it, just K. I think you are a great girl. And I think you're a great guy. God, this is hard. That was said for the whole audience, this is hard. The male audience. When you're on your board and you see the perfect wave rolling in and you think you got it. Mm-hmm. Only something happens and you don't get it. I mean, the key to the whole thing is timing. If you're even a little out of sync, you're grim, you're blowing the barrel, you're seaweed. But then you look outside, and you see an even more perfect wave than the first perfect wave, and that's the one you catch. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Surfing metaphors. You're the perfect wave, and I'm seaweed. And if you want me out of your house, just say it. No, no, I'm not the perfect wave. It's not just that I want you out of my house. No, you want me out of your life. Pam, look, I'm your teacher. No, no. Look, anytime one person lets himself care deeply about another person, that person runs a risk of being rejected and destroyed. I'll go get my things. No, wait a minute. Look, you cooked dinner. It looks beautiful. Let's sit down, eat. It's just food. She took her... I love that. She took her tinfoil. She's knuckling. Then we are on our way to court. Good work, Pam. You expect me to relate to the written word after the hell you put me through? Hell you put me through. Talk about shallow. I've stepped in deeper petals. You're excused. Mr. Shue, don't you own mine? This I love. Larry, you're awake with homework. What's wrong with you? I got fired. They found out my real age. Hey, I didn't say a word. No, it's all right. My mom came to the show. Your mother? It was a nightmare. And before she knew who I was, she put five bucks in my G-string. And then my Aunt Edna, she kisses me with tongue and rips off my mask. My mom freaked out. She made me put on her coat. Ken's such a good actor. He's been asleep the entire time. He's got one terrific scene. I know. I love the fact that he was discovered by his mother and his aunt. The fact that they went to that kind of a place. I love this. This is a brilliant, brilliant actor. Yes, it is. Tom Troop, I saw him do The Diary of a Madman. I was proud to have him. My student's out of trouble. David and Francis have enough problems as it is. It's true, Your Honor. Our lives are a mess. Guys, don't help me. Where did you young man obtain the vodka in question? From Murray. Who's Murray? You know Murray. His read on the ID gag that you do here is brilliant. Murray's liquor. Didn't this Murray ask to see proof of age? Well, I come out pretty mature. Did you show him proof of age or not? Yeah, I guess I did. May I see it, please? I'd rather you didn't. I'd rather I did.

You were a black marine in 1968. Vietnam. A war puts a man through many, many changes. Young man, the possession of false identification and of alcohol by a minor are serious crimes. You've just confessed to both of them. I didn't mean to. However, since the arresting officers let you off with a warning, I'll probably do the same. Is this guy bitching or what? Now, Mr. Shoup. I'm not kidding about Tom Troop. When I asked him to do this, it was a very small part, and he did it. I had just seen him do a one-man show, Diary of a Madman. He doesn't work very much because he's always touring in one-man shows or in big, important works. You played the moments of this so honest, Carl. You didn't play them for the joke. You didn't play them for any of the typical stuff, and that's... Yeah, that's to me what made this movie different was your involvement in it. I love this thing. He's trying to get his black... Trying to get his ID back? His ID back. The judgment about that dedicated teacher crap, the fact remains that you covered up, thereby condoning student drinking. I am filing a report for Kelban with the entire story. Face it, those kids' test scores aren't going to save you because they're losers just like you. Hi. I was just congratulating our good friend, Mr. Shue. About lunch, sweetheart. Tell you what, sweetheart. Why don't you go ahead, order two lunches and eat them yourself? One for each face. Good writing by Mr. Franklin. Okay. Today we take a practice test. Pinpoint each of your weak spots. Then we work a couple hours after school to really straighten them out. Whoa, whoa, wait, wait. Practice test extra class time? That wasn't in the contract. You can get him. Hey, the test is in two weeks. You all need the extra work. And I'm afraid we're gonna need some extra incentive. Yeah, like a party with a band. I could use some wheels back. And get me a job, man, doing stripper grams. I don't believe this greed. Believe it, man. I need a houseboy. It's a simple matter of renegotiating our contracts. Renegotiate? Who do you think you are, Teamsters? Yeah, Teamsters! Stride! Look, for the past four weeks, I have given up all of my free time. Had my body used for a tackling dummy, my house trashed, my couch set on fire, my goldfish murdered, my butt thrown in jail, and my car wrecked. All I'm asking for is a little extra effort. You know what's sad? You guys could all pass that test. But you're just so happy being in failure that you just don't know... Why am I doing this? Tell you what. You guys drop out and be illiterate. I'm going to Hawaii and be tan. We really had a belief shoot here, and we did. I mean, that was a wonderful rendition of that little aria. It was very important because it was... The whole premise of the kids wanting to negotiate was dragged in. And unless we had a serious look at it from your side, it would not have worked. Nice scene. Yeah, very. Perfect. Everybody take a seat. You, in the cot, out of bed. Where's Mr. Shoup? Mr. Shoup has tendered his resignation. Now sit down. Would someone tell me what Mr. Shoup had planned for today? Yes. Group sex? No, that's tomorrow. Today's independent study, right after our mid-morning nap. Don't think you can pull this BS with me. I want to see everybody take their textbooks out and turn to chapter, uh... Seven. Read it again. This was a cute little... Who's making that noise? Have you ever done this in class? I remember somebody doing that once in class. You got dog ears? Chainsaw, stop doing that. Stop doing what? You know, I hear it too, and it's very annoying. I wish you'd find the hooligan that's responsible because I am trying to read chapter seven again. I remember we shot this later in the production schedule after all these people had had a chance to be with each other for a while. It's important in a scene like this. It's huge. They were. They became a team. They learned. Now, I promise you, you people act like psychopaths tomorrow, and you will be sorry. We will be sorry. Mr. Gill sure does know his child psychology. All right, so this next scene you shot on Halloween. Yes. Is that right? Yeah, you did. I don't remember. It was completely thoughtful because they all had plans. They were all going to parties, and you got off early, and they all went in this makeup. Now, this lovely actress is so perfect.

This was so well built through in the writing. The fellas loving the Chainsaw Massacre and the award being given to the makeup artist. This scene was really brilliantly executed by the makeup people and the special effects people. I love somebody putting their finger in a pencil sharpener. This was perfect.

This was a day that everybody looked forward to. I know. And I did. Look at the size of this tongue coming out. It was a rubber tongue. Oh, this was as gross as you can get with an eyeball hanging and his guts coming out. His intestines were sausages. Now, this one didn't quite work as well as we wanted it to. A circular blade in the head didn't sell as well as it should have. While I'm watching it now, I'm thinking, how could I have improved it? I think a bigger circular blade. This is a perfect joke. How do they come up with that? By the way, this was all created by the art department and the special effects people.

I'm not ready for high school. Why'd she leave? Does she like us? Lucy Lee Flippen was her name. She's a wonderful actress. Terrific, yeah. Yeah. This is devilishly clever. Vomits! Look at the eyeballs sticking out. We take a lot of pride in our work. Look. This one kid in the black tee in the back, he was there the whole time, didn't have one line of dialogue the entire time. I didn't, you know. Big Tall Guy. Yeah, who was he? He wasn't in any other scene but this one. No, no, he's in everything, in the very beginning and everything. Oh, really? Do we have a deal? Wonderful. I do not wanna play, not now, I'm busy. Now this is a good, a wonderful setup for the final scene, but this dog is always finding the ball. What did you call it again, boy? Bob. Bob, yeah, Bob. Yeah, we just called it Bob.

Wardrobe ministers found all these T-shirts and stuff. I remember this is, I don't know, Diablo Valley College or something, and amazing the amount of mail I would get from people who went there. No kidding. Yeah. Remember she chased a guy down the Venice boardwalk who had a Wheaties T-shirt on one day to try to buy it from him to use in the movie. But she was terrific. Got a radio, blanket, beach chair, dark glasses, dog. Why would I want to go back to you guys? How about we can't pass that test without you? Me and Shadesaw, we've been sober for two days, four hours, and 15 minutes. No kidding? I swear to God. Reality is so unreal, but it is a nice change. True. Thumbs up. Um, I think you should know that you were phased. I've outgrown you. But I do want to be friends if you can handle it. It's you. I'm seeing that reading specialist this afternoon, too. Look, study in school, after school. Isn't that right there, the blade cells? Yeah, it works here. What do you say, Mr. Shue? This is the best of them all, how they figure this one out. Please. How would you like that? That's pretty, that eyeball. How can I say no to these cute little faces?

Now, Mr. Elfman did a good job with this. Oh, my God. It's interesting. Danny Elfman was with a group called Oingo Boingo, and now he's one of the really great composers of scores in the industry. Well, I do remember how excited you were to hear him. I think he was perfect for this. When somebody recommended him, I said, really? Oingo Boingo?

She was terrific, Carl. Yeah, she's a wonderful woman. She was a cousin of a friend of mine. Well, she's right for this role. Yeah, I've used her a few times on the old Van Dyke show. This is a clever bit. Yeah, I love that. I want to get that mask. Look at that. He had a serious look. There's the Wheaties shirt right there. There it is. That's the one she chased the guy down the boardwalk for. No kidding. Your practice test scores were great. Hey, come on, you've been here 12 hours. I want you to go home, forget about this test, get a good night's sleep. I'll see you tomorrow, 8 a.m., the lecture hall. You know, when I did West Papa, somebody told me that the wardrobe master ran somebody down the street and bought the jacket that my son wore. It had a bullseye on it. Oh, no kidding. So they do chase people down the streets. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she did. Hey, I mean it. You know, I love this part of the movie because there's no silver lining. They're still going to fail. I know. But the point is they worked as hard as they could. And here's a new Bob. Look, I found Bob. It's not the real Bob. He would only fetch the real Bob.

I love the way you cut this because this is a dream sequence, but you don't know it yet. Yeah, I always felt it was a bit of a cheat because dream sequences don't, they're not that clear. I don't know. What are eggs? I'll surprise you. How do you spell cat? I don't know. Honey? What's wrong? I don't know what's wrong. Everything's blank. I don't know anything. I don't know anything! I don't know anything! Chainsaw! Are you all right? I love them all. What about what? I don't know. Great day for a test, huh? Here's the culmination of that man coming out. An apple. For the teacher. Give him hell. Hey, hey, we're testing it here. I know, I'm in your class. I remember you. Where you been? Bathroom. My zipper got stuck. Just a good little joke. My zipper got stuck. ...booklets until you were told to do so. Using a number two pencil, take your answer sheet and fill in your name. Last name first, first name second, middle initial last on the first line. Do this now. When was the last time you took a test? College. Yeah. They were scary, weren't they, for some reason? Your life depended on it. Festival of screw-ups. And they're king. Mr. Gills extends his warmest personal regards and best wishes. Thanks for caring, man. Okay, break the seals on your test booklets now, and turn to the section titled, Reading Vocabulary. You will have 20 minutes to complete this section. Everybody ready? Attention breaker had to be done. Anybody else?

Good luck, gang. Ready? Begin. How many shirts did you wear? You know, I don't recall, Carl. I know that at the very last day of production, I was sitting there on the set next to you, and you had the wardrobe mistress roll up all the shirts on a rack, and she was closely followed behind by the UPM who was screaming at her, and... You said, I want you to take these shirts home and hang on to them in case we need them to do reshoots. And I think what you knew is that if they ever got back to the lockup at Paramount, they'd be gone. Did you get them? I got quite a few of them. I still have them. They're kind of in a safety closet area. Well, after this, they go to Smithsonian. Oh, sure.

Murray, you and I talked a lot during the production of this about, from the very early days on, you started talking about needing something for the ending. This originally, the script ended where they, in the office, where they get the teacher's, the culmination of the academic part of this. But I remember telling you a story about a situation that had happened to me at a wedding where I was waiting for my car alone. This is pre-married, and... It was hot, it was summer, and I was standing there waiting for my car, and I was putting chapstick on. And I heard this voice behind me, and this very attractive gal, or gal's voice said, can I have some of that? And I had the chapstick in my hand, and I turned around and looked at her, a very pretty girl, and I said, it's a weird thing to be asked for, but I tried to hand her the chapstick, and she pushed it aside and kissed me. Oh, yeah, and that's... I didn't know. I know you came up with it, but it actually happened in real life. Oh, it did, yeah. That's the story I told you, and then you worked it in, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah. It's the most fitting ending to this movie, and then an extra goody that was accidental. Well, and then you dropped in, like, those little pieces all the way through, just a use of a chapstick. I think we only did it, like, three times, but it planted it. Right. But you see how important it is to hire an actor who knows where he's going and what can be used in life? Okay, well, how about a director who listens? Oh, okay. I wish I were younger. I'd find another movie for this. Oh, come on. Never too late. No, I'm satisfied to stay home and watch you on your wonderful television show. Well, I'm not. Let's go to work.

20 seconds left. There's a line and a couple of lines coming up that these two guys, Jane Soren and his buddy, ad-libbed, and I thought it was as good as anything written. And... 20, 20 more seconds. 20 seconds. Stop. Hetzel's done. C, C, C... Drop them! Just stay seated until Anna Maria has a chance to pick up her tissues. Miss Mazzarelli, may I have those tests after you finish collecting them, please? Yeah, Kim. Oh, can Ron Lye be excused? She's having a baby. She's having a baby? I want to see this. I want to see this. These ad-libs of these guys, there are four or five great lines. What do you need? A hot water ride? All we need is a hospital. What can I do? Get out of my way. I can do that. Ron Lye, get out of my way! Get the door. Save the umbilical cord. That's his. If it's convenient. You look terrific. Feeling pretty good. That's great. The baby is healthy and happy. This was a nice solution to this. The fact we don't know who the father was. This guy is not the father, and she is still going to school. They do give the baby away for adoption. He'll probably have a better life. But I think you make the audience accept it, Carl. You know, and that's because you made people believe in the character. Yeah. I'm giving up for adoption. It's to discuss. I mean, people do say, you know, you should bring up your own. But not being ready to be a mom means you're going to bring up something. But it's also a very responsible thing to say, so you might very well bring up a good kid. Mr. Shoup. Child! Ciao, gang. How's it going? All right. Bad news? Gil says he may only hear your scores. We failed. You just said the average grade was below passing. So we failed. Hey, you didn't fail. I failed. Perfect reading. Field trips to the beach, a bed in your classroom, drinking at the beach. Screening of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1. Quite a summer, Mr. Shuler. It's a very satisfying ending because it's, in a way, it's corny, but it's absolutely honest. Before I sign anything, I understand there are some people waiting to speak on Mr. Shuler's behalf. Francis McCarthy, good actor. I love him. Now, this is a lovely scene. I love this scene, and I love the parents speaking up for the kids.

I love how you matched in casting the parents with the kids. I'm Principal Calvin. Is there a spokesperson here? I guess I am. I'm Howard Grimm. Chainsaw Slaughter. Interesting boy. No, you can say it. He's a lunatic. Six weeks ago, I told you he had the IQ of a salad bar. His only interest in life is to make people sick. I mean, if my mother came to dinner, he would give the dog a third eye or an extra leg. Because of him, we stopped having kids. That's such good writing. When I saw him studying, the wife and I almost boistered into tears. David was doing his homework, too. It makes sense. They share the same brain. Not only did Mr. Shoup get my daughter to read, he taught her to drive. He showed Kevin there's more to life than just football. I'm not sure I agree, but it's possible. This man should not be teaching. Proof is right here in these test results. Look for yourself, Mr. Shoup. Passing is 70. Average score here was 63. They failed. That is not true, Mr. Dills. You mean we passed? Well, no, no, not all of you. But that's not what's important here. Larry, what from an 18 to a 51? If I'd only seen you strip a week sooner. Rhonda, from a 29 to a 43, and she gave birth. Isn't childbirth grounds for a makeup test? It always has been. This woman thing never fails. Ekeon, a 51 to a 74. I passed! I am an Ekeon, Gramps! All right, Eker. Denise. No previous test score because you ditched every test, but a 38. Honey, that's terrific. We'll get him next time. Kevin. Yeah. From a 48 to a 75. Yeah! I'm back on the team! Yeah! Yeah!

I love that. Those, I think, were all ad libs, by the way. I take it again, I can lose. I remember the day in this office, Carl. We did this in one day, one morning, actually, if I recall. We shot it pretty quick. You all worked hard and you improved. That's very nice, Mr. Shoup. The point is, we are here to discuss Mr. Shoup's flagrant violation of school policy. Holy gills. According to my numbers, the average scores here increased from 28 to 63. Now, that's 125% improvement. Now, that's teaching. Mr. Shoup, I'm granting you tenure. He's back, ladies and gentlemen! He's waiting for Bob to come back. I promise. Will you have dinner with me? I'll think about it. Can I use some of that lip stuff? Now this is the famous kiss. There it is. From here to eternity. The water is going to come up. Remember, we thought of that. We said, let's wait and get you down far enough so the water can come up and get you. When that hit Kirstie for the first time, she went, oh! Now, this is something that can only happen by accident. We could never have asked for this. The fact that the dog would come and grab, he saw the... He saw Old Bob. That's the original Old Bob, which came back. You can see the filament hanging off the end of it. Now he went and got it, brought it to you. Now this, he decided to do. Why? I don't know. Well, we started licking each other here at the end. I know, but why did he decide to get in there? That was an ad lib. We didn't expect him to do that. And we didn't expect you to do that either. That's as good an ending to a comedy as I've ever seen. You're the treat in all that, Carl. But what an honor to work with you, my friend. Oh, are you kidding? I feel so happy to have done this with you and watch you now become one of the stalwarts of television and a good father. One of your kids was born on this show. Well, he's 18 now, and Pam was pregnant with him when we were doing this, so that's how long ago this was. Well, let's see. Now let's talk about... Who was the real mean people on the show? Let's make up some. Let's make up some. You know, I didn't have any. No, it was a funny. You know, I should. It's a terrible thing to say, fellas, but this is going to be a boring thing for your audience to see because two guys enjoyed being there, enjoyed making the picture. The picture worked. It wouldn't be better if somebody tried to kill somebody with a knife or something. Nah.